I am 100 percent certain that this dynamic existed long before you entered the family. If what shes doing has escalated to emotional abuse, that could also damage your sons behavior and development, his self-esteem, and his ability to feel safe and loved. But like I said, I really dont think it will come to any of that. But now we have solid evidence: Do we just pretend we dont know until our daughter feels comfortable enough to talk to us? Thank you in advance. 87 Years After Nazis Stole My Grandfathers Citizenship, Germany Had an Offer for Me. Thats something else most toddlers do), but it doesnt seem alarming to me (see weirdness of 3-year-olds, above). Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Your family will not be invisible to such people either, and I hope you come across many more of them. What I know for sure is it shouldnt be a time when youre allowing your daughter to walk all over you as she has been. By that time, though, my son and DIL were going to be home in an hour anyway, so I just held him while he cried and did my best to comfort him. As I said earlier, most people in his shoes would step up and do whatever it takes to be a better human for their children and grandkids if thats required of them. Obviously he, like all of us, will be exposed to rude or inappropriate or hurtful words for the rest of his liferight now, the key is to help him start thinking more critically about language, how we use it, the power it wields. Advice Column Collection. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Sins are forgiven by God all the time, so long as you're ready to repent and be a changed person. Your house, your kids, your rulesyour MIL can treat all your children with basic decency, or she shouldnt be sharing a roof with them. Slate, which launched its first advicecolumn, Dear Prudence, in 1997, has seen notable traffic around advice and noticed positive upticks in its business' bottom line. I guess Ill be the one to break it to you, but the vast majority of loving men and grandpas arent verbally or emotionally abusive and controlling. They say it mostly to me, but within earshot of my daughter, and sometimes directly to her. Today its gloves; next month it could be snap-shut purses. The court in which we watch the jousting is floored with onyx in order to increase the courage of the combatants. Her life will be just fine if being called beautiful is her biggest problem. However, she is much stricter with him in what we feel is not an age-appropriate manner, and she doesnt deny treating him differently. I have a 3-year-old who is obsessed with gloves. In this case our fundamental philosophies for picking names are different and neither of us are willing to compromise. I dont think having young kids when hes this old helped his health (my oldest sibling is 10 years older than me and has a 4-year-old, meaning my youngest sister is the same age as her nephew). by . Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Theres no percentage in arguing with them about it. It happens to the best of us at that age (and a month isnt so long! This may also help give you confidence around speaking with your dad. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Even if you dont see any red flags other than what you outlined here, it wouldnt hurt to have her speak with a therapist. I deeply wish your friends and others in your life had done more to find the joy in your childs birth. Photo by Getty Images Plus. I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. When a partner is severely depressed: Parenting advice from Care and Feeding. The Backstory Will Give You Pause. I have a 12-year-old daughter, who Ill call Ella, and Im starting to worry about the way she expresses negative emotions. Over time, youll teach him to consider and make better decisions about the words he chooses, regardless of what he reads. View more recently sold homes. Any kind of gloves: winter gloves, rubber gloves, gardening gloves, moisturizing gloves. My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. Its anonymous! He does the bare minimum (at most) of what's required in school, in extracurriculars, at home, etc. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. I dont want to ask my kids What did your mom say about me this week? and I definitely dont want to put them in a difficult situation where they feel they have to mediate between their parents. Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. My adult daughter (25) and her husband (27) are not thriving. And if you and your wife decide together that you dont like her mothers plan, being honest with her is the best way forward. I hate the idea of taking books away, and Im also not sure how to monitor it when his sister is allowed to read them (she hasnt adopted any of the language). To be honest, I cant tell for sure. Hes a loving man so she stays and I understand how tough that would be. As for how you build and nourish a good, happy life for your children, youre already working on that. Is there something about your relationship that you think could scare her from talking to you about her sexuality? (Im not saying this is fair. Im just saying they may be doing the best they can under very difficult circumstances. Some of the applications have a series of essay questions. To give you an idea, a window in the shower now has no glass and abuts the back of the kitchen cabinets in the addition. The other day my husband was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I were playing in the yard. How To Do It. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I change diapers, cook for 3.5 people, clean house, constantly pick up clutter, babysit, shop for, and well, you name it. When we spend so much of our time online, we're bound to learn something while clicking and scrolling . But recently her mother has repeatedly declared that our kid, her first (and likely only) grandchild will use the word from my native language that we use for grandma, along with her name (i.e., Grandma X). Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. They average a screaming match a day, often over completely idiotic stuff like one of them walking too fast for the other to keep up with, or cooking with cheese when the other has a dairy intolerance. Slate now has four advice columns Care and Feeding, for parenting advice; Dear Prudence, for general relationship/being-a-human questions; How to Do It, for sex advice; and Beast Mode, for advice about pets. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. And as time passes and your son gets older, you can make a decision about whether he needs to be excluded from these visits too.). I am currently 23. Especially to her stepmother, who seems to be making no effort to hide her own considerable distaste and dislike for the childs mother. Each day they do a different task with their word list. (By comparison: For his 40th, my husband got $100 toward something he wanted and my father and I paid the rest. slate advice columns care and feeding. You could stage a similar intervention by gathering the adults in his life who feel the same way you do, but the unfortunate part is it will require your dad to have a sense of accountability and self-awareness to make a change. Parent-teacher conferences are this week, and Im going to bring all of this up, but I would love some ideas. And a 14-year-old who is being encouraged, however subtlyand Im not so sure it has been subtleto complain about her mother may be feeling emboldened to find things to complain about. She is leaning toward the private school. ), As to your second question: For goodness sake, stay out of it. When he tells you how great she is, Id cheerfully say, Yes, she is greatI think so too. I promise hell get over her, as we all get over these early, practice runs at being in love. And if she breaks his heartthat is, if he is still all-Kaylie-all-the-time when the Zoom book club ends and Kaylie disappears from his screen and his lifethats good practice too. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Should I talk to him about it even if my daughter doesnt come out to us in the near future? My opinion is that you shouldnt police the behavior of people being kind to your child. Photo illustration by Slate. I figured if he was hungry and didnt have his mother around as an option, hed do better with the second one later. It may very well be that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive. How do I get over this? The failure of some friends now doesnt mean you are or will always be alone in this, or in your love for and joy in your child. Im convinced there will be a lot of joy in your familys future, not because everything will be easy, but because you love your kids unconditionally and want to give them all happy, fun, fulfilling childhoods. Help! Charlie was recently asked to analyze an interactive piece of art for school. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? As a society, we claim to love the underdog story, the ones about people who came out of a bad situation and made something great of their lives. What should I do? Uh, No Thanks. We see her family a lot more than we see mine, and we have a good relationship with them. Charlie did not use any of the teacher's examples, and instead wrote a paper . Not only is there no reason for him to be ashamed of this quirk, theres also no reason for you to take it so seriously. Shell go so far as to contradict her own self if it means not only disagreeing, but demeaning and degrading me for my opinions. How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? She took the baby and left the room to feed him. countries. Your temper and outbursts really had a negative impact on my life, and its taking all of the courage I can muster as a grown adult to talk to you about this today. But your situation seems to me pretty complicatedmore complicated than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact. I want to teach him that its OK to have big feelings, to cry, to really love things that boys arent stereotypically into, but I also dont want to raise him with unrealistic/sexist views about love. You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. But if your confronting them goes nowhere, take heart: Youve got only four years left of living in this battleground. Intentions arent everything. ), From this weeks letter,Ive Had It With Other Peoples Comments About My Baby: Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! Running the risk of sounding dismissive, I have a strong feeling that the same will be the case for your son. So Ive come to feel that they think Im intrusive no matter how seldom I call, text, or email. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. (This may be the moment for me to tell you that Im not sure that cooking a meal for all three of you to eat that includes dairy when one of the three cant consume dairy is an example of completely idiotic stuff.). You said that he would do anything for you and your kids, right? Jamilah Lemieux and. When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. Nelson's Column had gone and there would be no outcry, because there was no one left to make an outcry. This is not your problem. Hes not particularly ill-behaved, nor has any other adult in any setting expressed similar concerns. Sometimes, this is great (hes really into Raina Telgemeier). As a former suicide survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me. Im an advice columnist, not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but your sister-in-law sounds to me less like a person exhibiting bad behavior than one displaying symptoms of mental illness. Why would any rational parent put their children through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute? I know how hard it is to parent with the unknown future stretching ahead of you, and only some of the answers and reassurances you might crave. I am a working mother of three amazing kids. $549,500 Last Sold Price. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. 2.5 Baths. Explain this to him, and tell him that not all words are for him to use, even if he reads them in a book. But her relationship with her biological mom is strained and only seems to be getting worse. If you want to be the one who cares for that child two days a week when his mother goes back to work, youll have to be able to convince her that youll handle things the way she wants them handled, not the way you think is best. I cant speak to your relationship with your husband because youve said little about it. As a baseline, lets stop comparing our relationships to our kids with anyone elses. Here's the lowdown But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. Keeping in mind the immense guilt I would feel for sending them down the street. A wave of claustrophobia closed in on him. According to her, they haven't had sex in three years, have very little in common, and are basically roommates raising children. Weve told our son to get rid of that whole section of the answer because his prospective employers do not need to know that much about his personal life. Ask him to use headphones while he works or watches TV or listens to music while you are with your therapist. You would never forgive yourself if you ignored the warning signs. If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. When he does the work, hes lazy, resents having to do multiple steps on things, and doesnt follow directions well. Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? You have to use headphones.". Some new parents have no trouble leaving their infants with a grandparent or other trusted sitter; some hate to leave them, no matter who is available to care for them.) Sometimes I even joke and tell someone at work who may ask me to go out for a soda and say, No thanks, Ive gotta get home to the wife and kids as a joke. The other day I sent my 35-year-old daughter a link to the weather report for where she lives (about icy, dangerous roadsI was concerned about her morning commute), and she phoned me to ask that I not send such things, as if you think Im incompetent. I took this as her setting a boundary and told her Id respect that, even though doing things for the people I love is my love language. Shes so lucky youre her daughter! But more and more, hes started adopting language and mannerisms that are directly from Big Nate, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, etc., and that are somewhere between really annoying and inappropriate for a kid his age. Care and Feedingis Slate'sparenting advicecolumn. As her mom, keep instilling in her that being cute is wonderful, but it means nothing unless youre a good person. Perhaps in the future you might say something to the effect of Whatever works for you! Since hes started to do better with bottles (hes breastfed and previously had been refusing bottles), she agreed (if nervouslyand I did have to make the offer multiple times). 822 Viewers 17,167 Page flips 473 Followers 347 Stories. She should be intrinsically motivated to do whatever it takes to provide for her family and live on her own as someone who has been an adult for 17 years. The fact remains that the onus falls upon your dad to get his life in order, and if you can convince him to do that, then everything actually will be OK. You dont say much about Daisys father, which seems curious to meI cant figure out how he fits into these conversations about Daisys reluctance to spend time with her mother, what his relationship with his daughter is like, or what he has to say about his exs relationship with their daughter before the Solomonic splitting of herbut he needs to be brought into the conversation now. charter ship to port phasmatys / john boy and billy big show podcast / john boy and billy big show podcast If so, I would do whatever it takes to figure out what that is. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Curated by J. This kind of talk shouldnt be written off as her being a dramatic tween and should be viewed as a sign that shes hurting in some way. I went to school, played sports, met new people, and figured it all out without any catastrophes. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. He likes gloveslet him play with gloves. How do I set up a happy life for my family while Im secretly harboring such anger and resentment? At the time they were 11, 9 and 7, and I was . thioacetone amazonafilmy4wap production Please dont do that either. Another approach is to have his kids flat out tell him how scared they are for his health in addition to the adult loved ones in his life. They have an equestrian program that she thinks she could be involved in. Photo illustration by Slate. interface language. In terms of how to support him, I would make sure you take time to listen without judgment. Let them know that you can see how unhappy their marriage is (you can offer chapter and verse), that its making you miserable to be living in the midst of it, and that you want them to know that you would be happier and overall much better off if they separated. Do whatever you can not to insert yourself into it. My question is, with my small house, and her breaking the rules or maybe better put, contingencies for living here in this tiny, studio apartment-like home, and me turning 65 in 3 months, and her refusal to accept any kind of opinion, or especially discipline for her kids, how obligated am I to give her such a safe, and free I might add, place for them to live? Have a question for Care and Feeding? Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. My ex and I used to have a co-parenting agreement in which we both agreed to bring any parenting concerns directly to the other co-parent, but she never really followed that. I think your depression is casting a shadow over everything and will continue to until you get the help you need and deserve. I hope one day soon you will feel sure that this is doablethat you are actually doing it alreadyand in the meantime, Im sending you every possible good wish. Edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble. We have a 3-year-old son, and we love the family name we picked for him. Maybe start with, Dad, I love you very much, but I have to be honest with you. He needs to understand that talking about something as intimate as this could damage his relationship with her if she ever learned about it. In our day-to-day lives, though, we often keep our guards . All English Franais. My dad and my stepmother had two more kids. 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