My life doesnt accommodate drop-ins, and if any of my friends did that, Id ask them not to. Im still trying to find the adult language to be, like, NO, your roommate-with-whom-I-am-only-casually-acquainted is NOT automatically also invited when you come visit and stay in my apartment in my new city, h-how, why, why would you think that would be the case? butmore kindly. (And the good thing is you can be like Im going to be in the CBD today, who wants to get lunch? or can someone come visit me this week and Ill make cookies, studyings driving me up the wall.). Now they just accept that they cannot ask to be let up to my apartment pretty much ever instead they ask if I want to do something or meet them downstairs. You preference is not a moral standing. To me this seems rather mean-girlesque. One of my flats about ten years ago, when we had our housewarming party a guy turned up about three hours before the usual start time about 6 I think, and even at 9 you wouldnt expect many people to have arrived yet. ). I will take five minutes to make sure the chairs and table are usable and that there are no bras hanging to dry or sex toys sitting out in common areas. Day of, Ill send him a text asking hey is today still ok or should we reschedule. Think about this for a second. +1 to this. I like offering (and getting) a friendly out so that nobody feels pressured to miss, say, their favoritest band ever thats playing a special last-minute-announced show just because we had plans to sit around watching TV. Dating is awkward in every stage of life. In this situation there's likely an unofficial standing offer where anyone who's interested can show up. We have a mutual friend who does this semi-regularly, and I love him, but I am a little feral cat and unexpected intrusions into my territory make me antsy for the rest of the day! It indicates that he wishes to engage in sexual activity. Im embarrassed now when I think of how I chased after her. Additional awkwardness if I have company already and didnt invite the drop-inner. But I also know which of my friends are ok with it and which arent. If no one answers, they will then go around back and pry open a window or patio door to gain entry. I can still say no of course, but it becomes rather rocky when it shouldnt have to. I definitely make sure my friends all know that I might have to cancel closer to an event if Im feeling terrible (depressive/anxiety). again, we dont all have to be friends. If we visited someone, it was meticulously prearranged and we would show up on the very dot of the agreed-upon time not a minute sooner, not a minute later. It makes me feel appreciated when friends go out of their way to just kind of show up at my house. Me and my friends have all spent a lot of time in mixed-nationality European groups, and this is a thing that has caused me and my friends some problems in the past: Thing you say at a party / pub to someone youre getting on with: Oh, you want to see that film too? Give him ample notice before the proposed hangout time. Sometimes when my bathrooms have gotten out of control I purposely invite someone over on the weekend to induce a shame-cleaning because I will live with a much grosser toilet situation than I would ever allow a guest to see. Bye oops grab the dog please. Having my room tossed like I was a prisoner in a maximum security prison (into my twenties) means that drop-ins wont ever happen. Yeah, mine, too. Personally, Im of two minds on that. Come and help me usher in a new age. The easiest way to get a guy to invite you over is to suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it nearly impossible for him to say no. Should I go or not? Were living in the finished basement while the rest of it gets done. It didnt affect our friendship negatively at all, just clarified a boundary. . Unfortunately, that was the one night that both of us had to work a weird evening shift, which was highly unusual (there were maybe three times that year that happened). The following conversation ensued: Get it all spelled out. But of course she could be right (in hindsight, it would have been nice to have food to offer at midnight, but I haven't had time all . I am one of those people who might indeed be home when a friend calls, but that doesnt mean Im not working on something/enjoying my precious downtime/up for entertaining a guest at any given moment. You know this, Im sure, but do not invite yourself to the baby shower. Back when I was in my uni days I hung out in a social group that was very lets all just drop in on each other and I once made the mistake of turning up at a working friends house at 8pm with a bunch of other student friends. Nothing you did deserves that kind of treatment; you didnt prompt that with your manners or lack of them. We both could have used it. I was raised that its unforgivably rude to show up to any gathering, no matter how casual, without an explicit Would you like to go to X event? But then as I grew up and encountered casual, after-work, anyone-who-wants-to-come-can-come events, I was finally told that I was isolating myself by expecting an explicit invitation because thats not how it works.. No one needs to know how I live.). *grrr* still stinging from getting stood up repeatedly by two separate people (for different events) last fall. My apologies, Manattee. Oh god yes. Yeah!. I think big expensive things get a pass on the discussing in front of others thing. The easiest way to get a guy to invite you over is to suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it nearly impossible for him to say no. The joy I get out of hostessing is why I do it. Put that out of your mind until your dd leaves home. Its also one of the many reasons she doesnt spend much time around her grandparents. I know my grandmother wasnt wild about it, but she clearly gave up trying to set that boundary some time in the early 1980s and ended up just expecting the rudeness. Just Im coming over to do/help with/talk about x,y, and z. and Id have to scramble for an excuse. (7 Key Reasons). Walk up to my door Absolutely agree. Let your life and worth ethic speak for itself. Inviting yourself over to someone's house for dinner? In another occasion, K told me we should hang out at my other friend, N's, house, without even asking N permission to be there. The only difference I can tell between this and the bike incident is that it was about a bike and it would be me dropping by her home rather than office. Even if the person talking about the fun thing is a close friend, I clarify whether Im wanted there, and I try to do so in a way that doesnt sound like Im angling for an invitation. I guess she liked keeping people dangling. Repairing this friendship might involve giving your friend some space, planning things more in advance (Hey, Im picking up my mail tomorrow at 2pm, do you have time for a quick visitthen?), and in not going to her house unless she specifically invites you there. Its a shame, but its actually easier to break up from romantic relationships than from friendship ones. You should totally come by and I mean that in the most Brazilian way. Tell her, politely and kindly as you would for anyone else, that she wasnt actually invited to the event. So, the reason I phrased it like this is, when Im at school, Im normally hanging out at the smoke pit with 10+ other people. Don't assume people share all your interests, and simply invite them to do something you think is fun. Ive disabled Hangouts on all my devices. That suggestion is for adults who dont know each other all that well, not close friends like your son and T., and not children. It was so unpleasant (awful). But my shame level is much much higher and so I never have people over without a sometimes-tearful marathon clean that leaves me too exhausted to enjoy it. With only girls? Like, most of Mr Birds family lives in Nearish Smaller Town, and often have to come to Big Town where we live for shopping, doctors, etc. so definitely think you are spot on with your advice and response here, especially about letting her be the one to reach out next. Can you go to the toilet without panicking? I also generally deal with social anxiety and nothing brings it to a head like uncertainty of being welcome. If he was on his way somewhere else then I could expect it to be short, but it could also turn into a give a mouse a cookie situation pretty quickly. Or if anybody has a disability of any kind (including being non-neurotypical, as in my familys case) adult support may be needed if only for scheduling and transport. 1 pm. Also don't give a room a complete makeover without gaining permission to do so first. Id never get out of my car and go up to someones door when I havent been specifically invited; that would be really rude to me. I live in a neighbourhood with a culture like thisit was built about a century ago and gets a lot of foot traffic, and many people stop and chat on their stoops or run in and out of each others yards. ! like, uhh, at home because I thought the plans were canceled since you never got back to me.. 4. No problem Anna Sthetic, your comment was important too, I just wanted to put across another perspective. I wouldn't say it's rude but it's possible that people feel uncomfortable then. (Mine: Id rather you called first, but if you dont, be willing to accept that I might tell you that its not a convenient time and ask you to leave.) OH GOD ME TOO. She almost immediately told me something along the lines of, "Great, when should we meet up at your house to play?" #1 reason I would be hostile to a rare drop-in is because I do not actually like the person. But she didnt like me much, and I didnt care much, so whatever. What we can do is trust the LWs perception of their own life and their own relationships prior to this point. If Im just at home, I can just switch from alone-state to friend-state and be done with it. Ill pick you up at such-and-such time. if i dont get invited to something, i for one will find a reason why. You could get his favorite game and ask to play at his house. You are getting the chills and feel like you want to go home with him. Inviting yourself over to people's places is frowned upon, at least in many Western cultures. It drives me up the wall too! Ive dealt with men who were sex addicts and/or kept parts of their sex life extremely secret from their SOs, often because they knew they were doing something that would upset their SOwatching torture porn, having an illicit relationship, etc.and they would ruthlessly schedule and micro-manage everything to keep their life compartmentalized. Which makes it especially annoying when they then go and ring my *mobile phone* after failing to get an answer from my home phone. it can be hurtful to realize your best friend does not think of you as their best friend. I think I feel like the confirmation text allows for that while still letting me save face if those fears are realized? Perhaps its an issue of having strong boundaries, not sure. But it was one of the hugest fights of a very fighty relationship. First, apologize for coming over uninvited at an inconvenient time. I never thought to put it this way but its perfect: Not only do people knock on the door randomly to see how the house is coming along, but many of them just WALK RIGHT IN! Sometimes right as I was getting home from work. If its an emergency situation or a hey I remembered that I borrowed this from you or that you wanted to borrow this so I thought Id drop it off and then get back on my way Im ok with it. Me: (Feeling the freedom to say I cant, or to say Im tired, or to say that sounds good but maybe a different day) Thanks for thinking of me! Keep it to ones self, I say. I called her up, hey, Id love for you to come, havent heard back, let me know. Friendship break-ups are awkward and hard and with lots of ambiguity. Click here to go to the free training. Heres the difference between your pet peeve and the pet peeve of the person youre replying to. 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