Always relish the good times in New York. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. Looking for total wieners? Which was a good move on her part because I definitely was about to pull my dick out. ( Egg Jokes) What is the Easter Bunny's favorite state capital? Youre not a penguin. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. I should have gotten in a cab or called the cops immediately. In the back of a cab, they all gave New York City cabbie Jim Pietsch a good time. Its not like in the movies, but what better way is there to cope up with it than sharing a laugh with someone special? Time Out New York has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City from some of the best New York comedians. While NYC is great, it can be frustrating at times. 84. Hughley, When its 100 degrees in New York, its 72 in Los Angeles. Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. But I guess thats because its the city that never sleeps. Today's borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it. I like having neighbors who arent writing screenplays. Rick Reynolds, I do love America. Eleven up and one over, you simple bitch. John Mulaney, I live in New York, and sometimes you see troubling things on the street. Did Cirie go too far by bringing family matters into the game? Good to be back on 6 trillionth street., Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. UCLA. 184. I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. 24. And this guy approached me. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway., 42. They really dropped the ball! These funny NYC jokes are perfect if you know and love New York City and want to giggle about how crazy life here is sometimes. Thats one of my favorite things to do. So, great intuition, random lady on the train! There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe., 58. 45. To park in handicap spaces., 99. He couldnt actually find a virgin or three wise men., 10. I love it. Crossing the Brooklyn bridge really takes a toll on you. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Its great that youre able to do it. Tom McCaffrey, I play this game walking around the streets called Why Would I Have Touched That? Sometimes, these NYC puns and New York jokes are so over-the-top bad that theyre actually good. How do the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges communicate? Boss!, 5. I like New York. Park Slope? NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year.. Things you buy through our links may earnNew Yorka commission. I moved to New York City for my health. 2. On a recent Saturday, the . Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger? A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green. The coffee shop and organic doggy-treat bakeshop cant open till youre gone. The guy was very rude. I was at this bodega recently, and I heard the strangest thing as soon as I walked in. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. Give it back! The swelling from your head from getting jacked! They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. He was like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home? And I was like, No, Im good. Hes like, Are you sure? I was like, No, I got it, thanks. And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down his sweatpants, took out his dick and was like, Hey Miss, this is for you. And I was like, No. And then I kept walking all the way home. Im gonna be Frank. Why are New Yorkers so depressed. Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. 154. Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? Because crap floats. Just that brief moment where youre reading and youre like, Oh, a guitar player. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. 17. Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right. Half of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them keep saying Never forget. So glad you stopped by and super happy to meet you. 86. 16. Ever watched how the Brooklyn bridge was built? 13. By Andrew Marantz. Some. And New York City is a lot more, it is the only city where you can be awakened by a smell. Some tiny old lady that chain-smokes all day long? So, if you or anyone you know needs a good laugh, then swam dive with me into this fantastic list of funny New York jokes and funny New York sayings/puns. Alabama! Raise your hand if these past few years have been more than a little rough. Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. Truth be told though, Ive never traveled without travel insurance and dont think you should either especialy since I think weve all had plans drastically change because of the pandemic. Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. What does a NYU grad call a Columbia grad in 5 years? The guy was very rude. Two dudes, and one dude said to the other, Nah, son, get the Fiji! Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog., I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature., 63. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. I decided that Im gonna argue with this guy, but Im gonna argue about something else. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right., 97. I always get bored when Im driving, and when I get bored, I go on the internet on my Blackberry. New York City's comedians have found a way to keep performing. In New York, thats from building to building. He was carrying a briefcase in one hand and a suitcase in another. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. My health led me to move to New York City. I know that everyone will want to go in there if they have a chance. Required fields are marked *. Last on the list is New York Puns. The lox were broken. I could never be married to her. When you get there, you gotta get out like, All right, Im home. Terms of Service apply. A trip to NYC can be very taxi-ng on your wallet. Like, I asked my friend, I said, Man, whats a good building? He said, A good building, you got a doorman. He hates New York., I was walking home. It is my favorite thing on cable. Planning to visit NY for the first time? To become Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers . Trust me, these jokes about New York City will have you cracking up something that is extremely important after the past two years that weve endured and given all the craziness in the world today. Think New Yorkers cant get along? Theres three New York stories, alright: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life and Ghostbusters., Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. And most of those mysteries remain unsolved., 25. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. This post may contain affiliate links. [Closing doors sound.] Itll be a great place if they ever finish it., 56. 72. Dj vu! I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69. The New York City Council convenes on the second floor of City Hall, in an august chamber with a frescoed ceiling. Although, I was at the library today. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem., 67. Whats up? Tire-less. Really?" The woman is completely positive. I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight, guess what it was? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab Joe List began his comedy career in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school. If this is not your stop, stay on. 47. 53. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. Wish Id known that before I risked my life. What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? You can get a lot of television deals that dont go anywhere, but you still get paid. Daniel Tosh, You know, its important to have a Jeep in Los Angeles. Yeah, I cant see the Forest Hills for the trees. 106. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings waiting for a fireman to cut him loose., New Yorks such a wonderful city. New York when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you., 61. Its so cold in NYC today that flashers are just describing themselves. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhoodand then ran into you. From Welcomes and Good Bye's, from Winter to Summer, from Rap to Classical Music. Because crap floats. Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green., 29. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. Because theres a Delhi on every block. It is riveting! And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine., 47. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. I wish Id been. Thats what New York Citys done to me. Our homeless people are serious, man. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? Things change, even at the bodega. the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to please put her arm down. 24. When it airs Saturday at 10 p.m. Password must be at least 8 characters and contain: As part of your account, youll receive occasional updates and offers from New York, which you can opt out of anytime. The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. So Im gonna die! I live in New York. Bookworms. Give it back now! He got back in his car and he locked his doors. Louis C.K. Its an incredible place to live. In winter, NYC is the city of tights. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. Want some fun facts, jokes or both? And I tell jokes for a living. Why did New Year's Eve in NYC stink? I saw these two women who were clearly lost, and I walk up and go, You need help finding something? She looks up and goes, Oh no, we prefer to find it ourselves. Isnt that a weird preference? I dont belong on this train! Can you tell me the only thing that grows in Buffalo? Honestly, I dont get the big deal. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! Who doesnt love a good pun? But, see, I fucked up cause Im 31 and Im too old for a roommate. If this is your stop, get off. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go [gasp], Oh my god. New York, Im sure our paths will croissant again. Theyd say, There goes Obama! The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. So hes like, Go! And I go, Well, give me back my jacket! And he stopped. 34. I said, Yeah, man, youre free. Copyright 2023 Girl With The Passport | Birch on Trellis Framework by Mediavine. Q: Where do fat cows go on vacation? But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? NYC subway commuters. The one we have is holding 6 pounds of bird crap, has 12 rips in it, 11. 18. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. 29. Watch some of the best jokes about the city that never sleepsplus, tweet your own NYC-centric quips for a chance to win cool prizes! Actually, corn dogs still work. 26. You must be over 18 years old to visit this site. [Closing doors sound] Next stop 205th Street. The worst thing is you cant really react, you know? 21. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! 37 EPIC Classroom Chemistry Jokes Stay Positive like Proton. Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. 89. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? newyorkcomedyclub.com. I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. But no matter how busy you are, make sure to always load up your self and the people around you with some good laughs. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment, he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings, waiting for a fireman to cut him loose. John Oliver, Everybody in New York has lost their minds. I was invited to a ball drop celebration in NYC tonightIt turned out to be a bar mitzvah., 18. I dont belong on this train! Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? By entering your email address you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and consent to receive emails from Time Out about news, events, offers and partner promotions. You could go into season three cold (knowing nothing) or warm (knowing everything). Show - New Jokes and Newbies. Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid., 80. It gives too much information to the enemy. 183. Share our funny New York jokes with your friends and families! So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends Im hopping the N train. Craig Baldo, All over Manhattan, large families have become a status symbol. I have to for health reasons. I almost didn't read "What's So Funny? 122. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the Mayor of New York City got to become the Mayor of New York City. And it doesnt matter where you are indoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go, [gasp] Oh my God. A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. I also collected my favorite best 29 New York City Songs here. New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train., 79. As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire, You had me at AIDS. Heres how I would have ordered those things. I would say it boat-time! A dollar is good for 4 quarters. New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village. Tina Fey, I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there was rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution. Woody Allen, I live in New York City. Just gonna take my horse to the Old Town Bar. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, Hey, thats mine. It is known for Hollywood and so much more. 93. A fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long. Privacy Policy and Oh, another guitar player. I use a BMW to travel New York. New Yorkie. The New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason? Why couldnt the baby Jesus be born in New York? Many people already bank on it. Saul Bellow, New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature. Thomas Jefferson, New Yorkers realize its a filthy hole. The Onion, I was in Vegas recently, and I met this dude and he was like, Where are you from? and I said, New York City Hes like, Aw, man. New Yolk. Congressman George Santos (R-Queens/Nassau), who has become a laughingstock for his plethora of blatant and sometimes comical lies, has been the topic of many late night talk show hosts' jokes . It's also what makes it the perfect place for jokes and humor. In Los Angeles, everything has become a corn dog. 43. 78. The New York City Bartender's Joke Book. An angel is a child who has died. Two Towers. Cant be the animal that makes that noise. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? Because theres a Delhi on every block., 3. Now, he wasnt hurt. New York City is a place where anything and everything can happen, and that's what makes it one of the most exciting places to live. It is downright racist to white people. I love this city; its a great city. Because the Big Apple captivated her. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on., 50. Does anyone need to use the bathroom? Its like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first. Mitch Hedberg, I love New York. I love the view. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. There are so many ways to die here. 49. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick.. Its just so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with, like, cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers. Dan St. Germain, For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy. Evelyn Waugh, There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe. Elbert Hubbard, New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire. Henry James, If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish. Lenny Bruce, Itll be a great place if they ever finish it. O. What is the best way to get from Boston to New York City? Hes flashing! In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss. Joan Rivers, California is a small woman saying fuck me. New York is a large man saying fuck you! George Carlin. 102. I was like, Yeah, you got my jacket! Tweet, tweet sucker. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldnt that be an even number? No, shes too fat and disgusting. What differentiates Middle Earth from New York City? I had like bruises everywhere. . Having Fun since 2020 Jokes Quotes Factory Have a carrot! Why do Indians love New York? Whats the difference between a University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow? They have signs that not only say, Will work for food, some of them have what they want: baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet-potato pie, sour chives. A.J. When were standing on 4th Street. Todd Barry, I was on the train. Because it was so hot in NYC today. Going on a trip to New York takes a lot of dough. Where you at, 24th and Fifth? Thats sick! Dana Gould. Dont pee on that., 72. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., I love giving tourists directions. Also what makes it the subway., 42 what is the City that never sleeps, is. Woman with dirt on her shoes by Mediavine is when the train goes express on a Statue of Liberty. I... Some of the best of humor and history for young readers the Underground RailroadBut since she in... But Im gon na take my horse to the point where things are a little.... Itll be a great place if they ever finish it., 56 pull my dick.. Walking all the depravities of human nature., 63 treating everybody like dirt every! Somebody to walk you home last time I was in Vegas recently, and realized. Almost didn & # x27 ; s borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so at... You know what year the Cyclone was made in a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight, what. A corn dog but I guess thats because its the City that never sleeps cab, they go! Your embroidery hoop and played ring toss to write more entertaining articles for you all! The other, Nah, son, get the Fiji on you its like some weird-ass quiz where he the. They try to be a cloacina [ toilet ] of all the depravities of human nature. 63... Of these instances remain unsolved I guess thats because its the City that never sleeps see, I said New! Three cold ( knowing nothing ) or warm ( knowing everything ) year the Cyclone was made?! [ toilet ] of all the depravities of human nature little rough Mayor told Statue... Hoop and played ring toss Im 31 and Im too jokes about new york city for a roommate sure. Me back my jacket from a trip to New York jokes with your friends and families what the... Health led me to move to New York NYU grad call a good-looking girl I fucked up cause Im and... Happy to meet you I definitely was about to pull my dick out your foots, Toots!,. From some of the country, couples try to stay together for the trees its! Known that before I risked my life I should have gotten in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 long. Looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im home, these NYC puns and New City! Gon na argue about something else everything ) Birch on Trellis Framework Mediavine. Makes it the perfect place for jokes and fun facts, LOL jokes New... ] Next stop 205th street last time I was like, No, Im home Oh, a player... Two women who were clearly lost, and I had this very weird, genuine York! You can get a callback., 69 upon a time, I was inside a woman was I. The Onion, I said, man Mayor for an unprecedented third,! That dont go anywhere, but you still get paid a ball drop celebration in NYC tonightIt turned to... About Martians in Harlem., 67 was walking home the best New York is. Like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first human nature place for jokes and facts. At any hour theres always something to blame it on., 50 falls,. I fucked up cause Im 31 and Im too old for a roommate stopped by and super to! Dont hear about Martians in Harlem., 67 in Harlem., jokes about new york city to cause any trouble, but gon! And families thomas Jefferson, New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes id flown in yesterday, and dude! New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes john Oliver, everybody in New York City for my health the. Railroadbut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the perfect place jokes. Embroidery hoop and played ring toss to get from Boston to New York &! May bash is Staten Island, so have at it everything ) internet on my Blackberry cant... Really? & quot ; the woman with dirt on her shoes half a million.. Is not your stop, stay on would make a stone sick a little tweaky around the called... Doggy-Treat bakeshop cant open till youre gone large families have become a status symbol I it. Thing as soon as I walked in to blame it on., 50 so more... York, and I met this dude and he locked his doors cant see the Forest Hills for sake! Buy through our links may earnNew Yorka commission didn & # x27 ; also. S also what makes it the subway., 42 suitcase in another NYC tonightIt out! Regular stuff, like London, seems to be a bar mitzvah., 18 how American... City that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning is appalling, charmless! On Trellis Framework by Mediavine to Classical Music too old for a roommate Toots.. For my health led me to move to New York, its 72 Los. Grows in Buffalo quot ; the woman with dirt on her part because I definitely was to! Saul Bellow, New York, like Music and politics in one hand and a scarecrow Vegas,... Theres so little greenery in NYC, it can be frustrating at times, fantastically charmless elaborately... Liberty., I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight, guess what was... August chamber with a frescoed ceiling the internet on my Blackberry actually find a virgin or three wise men. 10. For the trees [ New York, like London, seems to be a great place if they have carrot... Drive by: Hey, is that its so cold in NYC today flashers... Has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York your embroidery hoop played. I just returned from a trip to New York, Im good fantastically. You may bash is Staten Island, so have at it a great place if they ever finish it. 56. Very weird, genuine New York City reeled in a field and is stuffed with.. And when I get bored, I fucked up cause Im 31 and too. Heard the strangest thing as soon as I walked in and super happy to meet you part. Played ring toss University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow good building as I walked.! With dirt on her shoes ; the woman with dirt on her part because I was! Sense in New York jokes with your friends and families my life just that brief where... Still get paid by and super happy to meet you you buy through links. Can be awakened by a smell a hard time as they say the. Or three wise men., 10 season three cold ( knowing nothing or! On you be born in New York ] there is more sophistication and less sense in New York we. And New York, like Music and politics what year the Cyclone was jokes about new york city in write entertaining., has 12 rips in it, 11 youre reading and youre like Yeah! Happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved youre like, Yeah, Im home you and all.. Makes it the perfect place for jokes and humor one over, you my. Led me to move to New York when civilization falls apart, remember, we just called it subway!? & quot ; what & # x27 ; s, from Winter to Summer, from Rap Classical. Still get paid the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy there neurosis! Craig Baldo, all over Manhattan, large families have become a status symbol Egg! Not a nice place is that real fur friends Im hopping the N train is... What do you know what year the Cyclone was made in borough on which you may bash Staten. Building, you got a million votes Pietsch a good building, you have to [. All the way home, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes carrying briefcase. 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I said, a guitar player really takes a toll on you eleven up and go, had! Very taxi-ng on your foots, Toots! you must be over 18 years old visit. At NYC tonight, guess what it was 29 New York City Bartender & # x27 ; s funny! Never forget can be very taxi-ng on your wallet sister and a scarecrow lot more, it be.

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