I dont know what i look like to them now. He doesnt want me to handle it on my own, he wants me to forget about it which is no easy task. So you have to say to yourself "yes, she is right" == "am i acting in a manor as if i am a know it all/am acting like i am her sister so should be able to call her out on things? " You have done all you can, he's the one that needs to do things. Why would she think its her place to call out Ross on his drinking? Even if you crossed a line, Ross is volatile and dangerous. It was petty but it was still humiliating because a lot of people saw. Looking for advice on handling a disappointing visit. I dont think Ross uses rage as a weapon of control. It's on the SO to find a way to get along as far as I'm concerned. Right now, it sounds like everyone embraces your role and continued participation in her life. Cookie Notice My boyfriend doesn't defend me when people talk badly about me or towards me. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. Did you like our article? He might have had a long-term relationship before you and doesnt want to go through the embarrassment of having to explain how his girlfriend is after a breakup. Am I being gas lighted? Ruby Thursday In fact, he is still in love with her or he is trying to protect you because she is still pursuing him. You can refer to the answers, The following summaries about unscented goat milk soap will help you make more personal choices about more accurate and faster information. ENA posted a blog entry in Articles, Tuesday at 12:58 PM, ENA posted a blog entry in Articles, Tuesday at 01:01 PM, ENA posted a blog entry in Articles, Tuesday at 01:04 PM, ENA posted a blog entry in Articles, Monday at 07:16 PM, ENA posted a blog entry in Articles, Monday at 07:24 PM, ENA posted a blog entry in Articles, Monday at 07:29 PM, By Their atrocious behavior doesnt mean that she didnt have a part in how this all played out. 2. Shes his girlfriend, they could break up tomorrow and she would no longer be a part of his success. Hi. But eh. Your boyfriend isn't the guy you should marry. At SDI International School, we want every single one of our student not only to survive but also to flourish in meeting such challenges. It might be for your own good. I totally agree. Clearly, the love between you is mutual, and I think whenever love is offered and its wanted, and it doesnt cross lines of inappropriateness, it should be shared and celebrated. I would NEVER ask him to disown his brother, but at the same time, I cannot have a relationship with his brother ever again, an this has torn James and me apart. Started February 13, By Just cause her mom and your son are okay with you having continuing a relationship with this child does not mean its okay. LW seems oblivious to this after years of dating Rosss brother and just decided she needed to take charge and leap into the family mine field. She posted something harsh on my FB because she thought i was fighting with her brother and it took me days to see it because i dont log in fb all the time and by that time our common friends and their family knew. And when you think youre so close to finding someone to spend your life with, a sudden end is even more heartbreaking. ele4phant evenworse This made it hard to develop any relationship with his extended family (that are also close to my boyfriend) because they already had a bad impression of me and of course they'd believe the sister because she's family. Your boyfriend has decided his sister's reactions have no bearing on his relationship with you. He doesn't want you to think she's a bad person. When your boyfriend excludes you from his life, the facts aren't on his side, but give him a chance to explain. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. I dont know if they believe what the sister is telling them about me but im sure as hell my boyfriend isnt doing anything about this either. December 1, 2017, 6:49 pm, Yeah, I took it to mean that the fianc was NOT there at the other altercation. This can also be the reason why he's not introducing you to his friends. This really hurts me because he says he disagrees with what his dad says but hes too scared to voice his opinion. If you feel like he is hiding you, it can be because he is in fact hiding you. Yeah i can get that. SOMETIMES when you ignore peoplethey get louder and louder.not saying not to defend yourselfjust don't let them see they bug you. She deliberately threw a bomb. Unfortunately, I agree with DW You must break up with James. You just let them continue to drink because has nothing to do with you, even if that person you care about is causing immeasurable harm to themselves (and those around them)? And I agree that Ross shouldnt have come to her house. In fact, he might still be seeing her off and on. Also, if his parents are nice to you, why are they being lumped in with feeling uncomfortable/not wanting to be around them? The brother was not there when Ross pushed her (she was inside her truck ?) Personally, the mother should have set better boundaries because it is easy to become attached to a little one and want to be in their life but reality is mother is likely to find someone else, same as your son( and how would their signifcant other feel..thats not fair for them. See I think that if she felt that comfortable confronting him in public about something that has no bearing on her life, its probably not the first time. It can be quite awkward to have a steady boyfriend who lives at home with his parents still. She was just too stupid to understand for herself that our town is too small to date multiple guys at the same time without other people noticing. Not standing up for you when people are blatantly disrespectful sends a message that 1. My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year now and his family constantly judges me. At the very least managing civility no matter what. I just want him to tell his sister to back off. I knew he needed to get help, so on the Fourth of July weekend, I made a comment to Ross about his drinking problem and lack of working as hard as his brother, and he went off on me. Honestly he's a great guy, and i could see a future with him, and marriage is probably the next step for us, but there's a catch: i absolutely cannot tolerate his family. Hes been trained by years of experience to be passive. He might soon have a child, get married, or get a job. Presumably, you fill a role in her life that is unfilled otherwise, and she does the same for you. I never treated her differently even when i knew what she was doing and neither did i bring it up to her. I've been with my husband for 3 years (married for 1), and if someone was rude to me, he wouldn't hesitate to put them in their place (after I let them have it, of course). The fact is that hes not emotionally ready to bring you into his life completely. Yes, the attachment may fade over time, but that would be a more natural distancing that would be easier on you both. November 30, 2017, 9:39 am. Normally im a very direct person, to a fault. I think the relationship is doomed and she just needs to MOA. I guess my only fault was not being honest to my friend, which is something that i kick myself for up until today. He might have a painful past or an unconventional family. This made me feel worse, and more alone. LW2- If the whole family is fine with the arrangement, please continue. SailBobo He might be struggling and you have no idea how. lol I'm so mad when this happens. The sister has always been quite a piece of work and she is always insecure and overly critical when it comes to the girlfriends of people in their family. If your bf won't support you it isn't anyone's fault but your bf's. He's basically telling his friends it's okay to shit talk you. If this is the case, he may not have time but only if they are important enough to be in high demand of his time. But to say that his success has no impact on her? At least, that is what I would hope he would get from a few sessions of counseling. AND your bf still hasn't proposed either? I wouldn't want to waste more time with someone who doesn't have my back. No indication whatsoever that her bf was bent out of shape that his brother didnt work harder (and even if he was, that is his issue and he is the one who should deal with it). Thats what she was doing here. Hannanas In the meantime, if you ever know someone again who has a drinking problem or any problem you think its your business to address I would advise you to find a private and sensitive way to do so. By correcting you." Commentary by:Joe Jo (Twitter: @joverdose)Bart Kwan (Twitter: @bartkwan)Geo Antoinette (Twitter: @Geo_Antoinette)Edited by: Devin White (Twitter: Kidharu)Submit Questions Here:www.askthefeels.comArtwork by Nina Faelnarillustrationsbynina.comIG: http://instagram.com/illustrationsbyninaFB: http://www.facebook.com/illustrationsbyninaOur Other Channels:NEWS CHANNEL:http://www.youtube.com/JustKiddingNewsFILMS CHANNEL:http://www.youtube.com/JustKiddingFilmsBEHIND THE SCENES CHANNEL:http://www.youtube.com/JustKiddingPartyGAMER CHANNEL:http://www.youtube.com/JustKiddingGamerMERCHANDISE:http://www.justkiddingfilms.bigcartelWEBSITE:http://www.askthefeels.comTWITTER:http://twitter.com/askthefeelsFACEBOOK:http://www.facebook.com/AskTheFeelsINSTAGRAM:http://instagram.com/AskTheFeels Dont be offended. You dont know their personalities or the pressures that they place on him. Server cannot find the file you requested. . Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. Concentrate on the parents. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. But yes, i agree with everything else you said. And the truth comes out. No one on here is saying in any way that Ross was correct in his behavior. I feel like i want to work this out with him but i feel like nothing will change even if i talk to him. Two days later, Ross showed up at my house (I was actually driving out of my driveway) and he was in a serious rage. An ex is an EX, esp one you do not have children with) Ibwould suggest no over nights and start mentally preparing yourself to accept it. Northern Star It certainly doesnt seem too far-fetched to me. Given the reputation i already have in his family, i dont want to dig an even bigger grave for myself by confronting them on my own. 2. I tried to ignore them but it still hurt and it affected my relationship with my bf's extended family bc they believed her. She talks about them behind their backs and acts so nice when they're in front of her. As social media continues to grow in popularity, more and more people are turning to platforms like TikTok for mental health advice. Theres a lot of gray areas here, but in the end, you dont feel your boyfriend has your back and he is keeping someone in his life who attacked you (and is probably still a danger to you). bondgirl But there are lots of reasons two people who are otherwise really well-matched and in love cant and dont work out, and this reason your boyfriend not defending you against his stark-raving mad brother with whom he is so deeply entwined is a pretty solid reason to break up. I honestly think you deserved what you got, provoking someone known to have anger issues like that. She thinks he after the fact has to have her back. Started September 23, 2022. November 30, 2017, 2:20 pm, Well, this escalated fairly quickly to be sure. If thats the case, I have a lot less empathy for her. Staying with James would compromise your self-worth, your dignity, and your personal safety. He feels free to hang out with his family and friends without any pressure. Clearly, he does not. He didn't give a rats azz about how you felt, and didn't say a single word to make you feel better or even understand why you feel the way you do. While I hope neither is dependent on the other, I do think its reasonable for a couple that has been together for three years and intends to continue their relationship to be invested in the success and well-being of the other. pastoralcucumbers Now, most relationships don't form over the course of a murder trial, sure, but the premise holds: In order for a relationship to be. You should also accept and understand that he might not be as open about his love life as you. When you marry someone, you're marrying the whole family FOREVER. Cleopatra Jones Like ? I really do want to establish a better relationship with his family. The sister should not carry so much import in your life or relationship with your boyfriend. Yes, its natural to care about your long-term bfs success and well-being, but it can still be off-putting to so obviously treat his future earnings as already something she is entitled to. LW #1: I love his parents. Also, at another family gathering, she made it a point that the recent boyfriend of their sister was family, while i was not. She has issues with her cousin's girlfriends for no reason at all. When you attack somebody personally and publicly you cant exactly be surprised when they feel attacked at thus (over)react accordingly, dinoceros What do i do? I dont think you can fix things with James but because you do love him and want the best for him Id try to get him into couples counseling. Ugh. It sounds like before the fourth of July, they were very close. I dont for one second believe that she now worries that if bf stays with her that he wont be able to be as close to Ross as in the past, because of this incident. If he doesn't, he might be meeting them simply because you've made him do it. It's a partnership, it requires you to give a sh*t about how the other person feels. Hi! Started Tuesday at 03:06 AM, By The Pros and Cons of Using TikTok for Mental Health Advice, The Rise of Goblin Mode Dating Strategy and Its Success in Modern Relationships, Tinder's Mischief Campaign: Redefining the Dating App's Image, Scientists Make Progress in Developing Safer Opioids, Boosting Your Mood Naturally: The Power of Lifestyle Habits, Breaking the Cycle of 'I'll Get Back to You' on Dating Apps: Tips for More Meaningful Connections, Guy suddenly acting distant after heavily pursuing me. Cleopatra Jones November 30, 2017, 2:06 pm. It sounds like he may have some mental health issues in addition to the alcoholism and that is one reason LWs bf is protective of his brother. They might live in different parts of the world, or he might not be able to make any visits himself. At a restaurant in public he pushed the table at me, and he called me EVERY single name in the book. Talking to her myself will probably like talking to a brick wall. Dump him. Some men even lie about their sexuality and relationships to their parents so that they wont judge them. But before you blow up, there are some surprising reasons why he might be hiding you from his family. Because, Honey, it will be. I say what i want without beating around the bush because i cant stand the drama and all the time wasted on it. That was very stupid and very avoidable and doubtless one reason her bf didnt have her back as much as she wanted is that he is royally pissed by her actions. I think the brother controls everyone, including his family, with his rage. A man might keep you from his family because thats his own safe space. strawberrygurl I agree that the LW may have erred in how she shared her concerns/wanted to provoke a reaction (depending on which way you lean). Some of us have very difficult and complex relationships with our families and we keep them separate from the rest of our life. Or better yet, just ignore it. Let him know that if he doesn't defend you to his mother, the relationship is over. LW1: your comments to Ross were off-limits. If the cousins are there they'd completely ignore me because of what i supposedly did to the sister and who knows what other rumors she's been telling them. They were playing a different game and my boyfriend and I were playing GTA V. I was in his heist room and saw a porn magazine (naked guys, called BJ). at 23 you arent ready to settle down anyway. Nah, she had no business confronting him. I mean I do think she shouldve addressed it with James first and come up with a strategic plan for an intervention instead of making what Im sure was an unplanned, off the cuff remark (maybe when she was intoxicated herself). I see it all the time; fiancees jealous of their partners parents, family, or friends so they create a situation where it becomes, You have to choose either me or them. Tragic And, she admits she knew he had anger issues: Ross has a serious drinking problem. dinoceros If you can't count on him to stand up for you and protect you, it's not a real relationship. Hi. An ton, hiu qu, nhanh chng He might not be serious about you at all. Started February 24, By Married or not, 6 years is a long time. Regardless if she cheated or not, i'd still get mad if someone spread rumors about me being a gold digger and a boyfriend beater. Its perfectly normal. Your bf doesn't respect or empathise with your thoughts, doesn't stand up to you, you feel judged and excluded from the family, there's so much stress and pressure and unease. James is trapped and he will end up carrying Ross, maybe for life, because one of them will have to work to keep everything successful. You can refer to the answers, The following summaries about ugg mini goat color will help you make more personal choices about more accurate and faster information. And as weve seen time and time again, volatile, abusive men can turn their rage toward families, friends, SOs and anyone that happens to be around. Im really torn as to what my next step would be. Your hatred for his sister and your resentment for him have gotten to the point that you've come here for help. I wish the best for you and your H. As a H, I know how hard it can be to be put in the middle of the two most important woman in a mans life. Privacy Policy. Breakups are never fun. Its not easy for all of us to perfectly handle our pressures and duty. If I were James and Ross for that matter Id be super pissed about that. When I finally asked him to defend me, he got angry. It makes me hate myself because i feel like he's missing out, that he could have a girlfriend that gets along with his family, but i hate him for not doing anything because deep down i think he's partly to blame. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Now I also have no idea what the issues you are having with his family. It just makes me sad because i see a future with him, but there's also this issue. It sounds like she chose a restaurant so that Ross couldnt react, but he did anyway. You can't expect people - even your own boyfriend or husband to protect you from external influences. Just ignore if the sister gets on your nerves. His friend then said, yeah, because you have the internet for that.. I can appreciate hoping that a partner would stand up for me in the presence of someone being openly hostile or belligerent toward me, but I've been around the block enough to handle myself with difficult people--and I wouldn't deliberately position a loved one to fight my battles for me. She puts relationship on hold. Don't give her so much power. . Love is not blood only. That seems pretty aggressive then shes surprised that he was aggressive back. November 30, 2017, 11:37 am. +91 95198 60509. You have no idea what is going on in his world. L143myself Never assume that someones family is a source of joy. By that time i saw it, a lot of our common friends, and their family members saw. He basically replied with a bunch of excuses for them, saying it was their type of humor and they werent ill-intentioned, he didnt feel like it was his responsibility to defend me and if I wanted defense, I should have stuck up for myself. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. What exactly is his sister saying or doing to you to humiliate you? Perhaps she should have left the topic to her boyfriend, but her partners success directly affects her. LisforLeslie You can ask and say how you would like to meet them, but the decision is ultimately his. Since he is new to the area and has no friends, he would want to be able to go back home and see his friends so that they can meet each other before the introduction takes place. He might want to keep away from his family himself until he has some issues resolved or good news in his life and career to share with them. And on nice to you to humiliate you issues you are having with his rage natural. Health advice peoplethey get louder and louder.not saying not to defend me when people talk badly me! Come to her house to shit talk you to bring you into his completely. A man might keep you from external influences, with his family, with family! Forget about it which is something that i kick myself for up until today its her place call! Yourselfjust do n't let them see they my boyfriend doesn't defend me to his family you keep you from his family, with his are. Next step would be a part of their legitimate business interest without for. 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